Today, Facebook decided to remind me of a major decision that I made four years ago that pretty much changed everything that I experienced for the past four years.
Four years ago, on this day, I decided to go with my guts.
Four years ago, I quit my A-Levels at KTJ and started over in ADFP at INTEC.
Four years ago, I made the decision to abandon my dreams and start over fresh.
I’m not the type of person to give up easily. People who knows me would say that I’m a fighter. I fight for my dreams. I fight for what I believe in. I strive for perfection. I work hard for what I love. I aim high and I work hard to reach my goals. I fight for myself. I do whatever it takes to get to where I want.
But four years ago, I was defeated.
Rejections defeated me. One by one, I was stripped of my confidence. Bit by bit, my fire was dwindling down. Little by little, I was losing myself.
I lost myself in the process of proving to people that I am who they think I am.
I lost myself in the process of showing to the world that I am strong.
I lost myself in people’s absurdly high expectations.
I lost myself in my own’s impossible expectations of myself.
And so I took the easy way out. I quit.
I quit and start over anew.
Don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not in any way saying that I regret my decisions. I’m not saying that I made the wrong choice and now I’m suffering because of it. I’m not saying that I was wrong in making this rash decision.
I love my time in INTEC. I enjoy my time in ADFP. I like the people I met in INTEC, both in and outside of the ADFP program. I’m enjoying my time in the US. I for one love the U.S. education system and the freedom that it provides. I love the opportunities that I have in the U.S. and how there are an abundance of places to visit and things to do.
It’s just… I wish that I could’ve at least handled it a little better. To keep in contact with the people I left behind, so that the friendships wouldn’t just fade away like that. To not let the fear of rejections stop me from going forward in life. To not let the past haunts me and make me question myself over and over again. To not let the doubts take over myself and make me feel like I could never be as successful as I wanted to be.
I used to have way more goals and dreams before, like attending Cambridge and everything. But right now, all I can think about is surviving. Surviving, barely making it out alive. I don’t push myself as much as I used to before. I lost my fire. I lost my spark. I lost the thing that made me shine.
And I need to get it back.