Insecurity.

Assalamualaikum,

This is just a random and quick post, since I’m currently swamped this week (Malaysian Food Festival 2015 & MSA Presidential Debate this Sunday, with a paper due on Sunday as well that I haven’t even started yet), so I’m just writing this out of my mind without even thinking about if it makes sense or not.

This post is also here to make it up for taking so long to update my blog. I’ve been drafting out my post on my recent ‘curator-ship’ during Spring break, but I haven’t had the chance to finish it yet. I will finish that and I will post that up soon, insyaAllah.

So, about a week (or less) ago, I received these questions on my Ask.fm:

in your curatorship, it’s like seeing another side of you. i’ve been following your ask fm answers and when you curate, i think you open up more about you. 😉 [LINK]

relating to that, in ask fm, i’ve never seen u talking about how insecure u are abt ur studies. in ask fm, u seem like so confident and so sure abt what u’re doing. so when u curate, u talk abt ur confusions, it surprised me. 😉 [LINK]

i think that’s just you being human. ahaha. all in all, i think you’re really a great person and i wish you all the best in life. may we all find our ultimate dreams and achieve it. good day, syaza! 😉 [LINK]

My first response was:

Wow, I didn’t know there are people who’s been following me on my Ask.fm and are aware of how I answered my questions, and can keep track of the answers that I give to people.

I mean, like, I’m just me. I’m hardly anyone worth following.

In a way, the question(s) touched me. It really did. It means a lot to me if there’s someone out there who, despite not knowing me personally, is somehow looking out for me in these ways.

 

My second response was:

Oh, you people have no idea how insecure I feel about myself.

I guess I’m good at acting then, if people actually buy the fact that I’m this one confident and carefree girl who’s so sure about what she wants in life and has everything planned out and seems to live this perfectly perfect life and has everything laid out for her and successes all lined up and know people everywhere and have tons of friends and everything.

Truth is, I’m not.

I am far from confident in myself.

I lay in bed every single night, thinking about why I’m like this.

I lay in bed every night, and think about why I’m not as enthusiastic in my studies like my classmates. I think about the things I could’ve done to improve myself. I think about what would’ve happened if my life took a different pathway. I think about what would’ve happened if I didn’t move to KTJ, but instead stayed in SSP for my whole 5 years of high school. I think about what would’ve happened if I stuck with A-Levels and ended up flying to the UK. I think about what would’ve happened if I decided to stay in Malaysia and pursue my studies locally.

Would my life turn out to be better, or worse?

I’m not the type of person who show this openly. Heck, only my close friends know about this. Ask him, or ask any of my close friends, on the millions of times I called them and cried over stupid things.

Over how I screwed up my friendships with my SSP friends because I moved to KTJ and that somehow something went wrong over the years and I don’t think I can ever fix that.

Over how it’s super hard for me to accomplish something that would result in a ‘I’m proud of you‘ from my mother.

Over how frustrating Actuarial Science is for me and how I really feel like giving up.

Over how confused and lost I am with my life and that somehow dying seems to be the better option.

Over how bad I am with maintaining a good relationship with my friends that I end up not having anyone to talk to when I need them.

Over how I feel like some of the people I know only contact me if they need me for a favor, and disappear whenever I am not needed in their life, and how I’m somehow okay with that kind of treatment, just because I want them in my life.

 Yes. I’m that pathetic. And insecure. And lost. And stupid.

 

But then… I remember this one message an old friend gave me in 2013…

“Remember, you’re like a butterfly. You may not see the brightness of your wings, but others do.“

And then, I realized, if everyone around me can trust me and have faith in me and believe that I can do all these stuffs, that I can survive no matter what I do, and that I can make it to the end, why can’t I trust and believe in myself?

My friends have a habit of saying these kinds of stuff:

“Sebab kau Syaza Nazura kot.”

“Ala, Syazos kot. Campak je kat mana-mana, boleh survive punya.”

“Kau Syaza kot, kau kuat kot.”

And I’m like,

“Dude, they have faith in you. They see your potentials. They know your strengths and talents. They know you can make it. Trust them, and have faith in yourself.”

So, yeah, that’s probably the reason why I’m strong now (or why I seemed so strong). I may not be internally strong, yet, but the fact that I have a group of people around me that trusts in me and supports me makes me stronger. They’re the reason why I’m doing this. They’re the reason why I’m in this fight. They’re the reason behind my every success, behind my every triumph. I wouldn’t make it this far if it weren’t for them, and I’m so utterly grateful to God for giving me these wonderful people in my life.

Just remember, you are awesome and wonderful and fantastic, no matter what happens. So have faith in yourself, and strive to be the best ‘You’ that you can ever be. 🙂

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I have no idea if this post even makes sense but who cares, I’m not even going to reread this so yeah read and make your own sense out of it. Until next time, stay awesome 🙂