Assalamualaikum.
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Things have been so hectic with work and life that I somehow abandoned both of my blogs (this and Kejar Kerjaya). *sigh*. Anyhow – I have plenty of time on my hands these days. So I figured I might as well take the time to jot this down properly for future reference. And I hope that this will also benefit other people who may be going through a similar journey.
I am typing this from a bed in the maternity ward at Damansara Specialist Hospital 2 (KPJ DSH2), where I recently underwent laparoscopy surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy. Alhamdulillah, all went well, and I am recovering OK. At the moment, I am waiting for the doctor to finalize my discharge documents before I head home for a much-needed rest and recovery period.
Note: This post may be a bit too open and can be a bit TMI. Read at your own discretion.
Note 2: This post was started in KPJ, and finished at home 2+ weeks later (as expected lol).
When and how it all started.
In early June, my urine pregnancy tests (UPTs) showed some faint positive lines, albeit super duper faint. On Thursday, June 13th, I bought the Clearblue UPT, as it’s known to be one of the most sensitive ones (as compared to the ones I bought off Shopee in bulk for cheap). Lo and behold, the Clearblue UPT test showed a clear pregnant sign—which made me excited, of course.
Aiman and I both agreed to keep it quiet for a while, at least until we have had our first check-up. After all, it’s still too early to announce and we want to make sure everything is OK and progressing well. Only close friends and our sisters knew about it (a girl gotta tell her sisters of course!).
A couple of days later, and it was the day before Raya Haji. I was working on my laptop that morning when I felt something weird. Went to the toilet to check, and it seemed like I had some vaginal bleeding. My first thought was, SHIT am I miscarrying? FFFFFFF. My mind started going in a thousand different directions, and the worst-case scenarios flashed by.
I sat down and tried to process it internally with the limited knowledge that I have (from being the daughter of a gynae and the numerous graduations from Grey’s Anatomy). I didn’t have any abdominal pain, and aside from the bleeding, there wasn’t anything to indicate anything of concern.
Follow-up at the hospital.
I ended up breaking the news to my parents so I could consult my Dad about it. According to him, since there was no pain and just the bleeding, it may just be normal bleeding. Quite a number of pregnant women bleed in the first trimester and still have a successful pregnancy. It may also be a sign of an early miscarriage. Either way, we could just wait and see how it turned out.
I decided to just go and have it checked out anyway (my overthinking mind and I were already thinking of the worst-case scenario). So I had my husband take me to the KPJ DSH2 A&E department, and we consulted with their on-call ob-gyn. After a round of blood work and a transvaginal scan (TVS), there wasn’t any indication of anything that would warrant any worry, so we headed back home and it was Raya time.
The day after Raya, I came into work as usual but broke the news to one of my colleagues (she was also the only one who knew of my pregnancy). Got yelled at for coming into work, but eh, a girl’s gotta work to earn a living, no? Plus, the doctor already cleared me and just warned me to return to the hospital whenever there is (1) heavy bleeding or (2) really bad pain. And since I had neither of them, I figured I might as well go to work.
Hahaha, the joke’s on me.
The bleeding started again while I was at work (which is super bloody annoying if you don’t mind my pun). I’m thankful I was wearing blank pants and had spare pads at the office, or else I’d be scrambling like crazy. I had to bring forward my doctor’s appointment (which was supposed to be later in the afternoon), and so there I went to the hospital again for another follow-up.
I’ll skip the never-ending doctor’s appointments every 2-3 days, where I have to have my blood taken to check the HCG level and the TVS ultrasound to check the status of the pregnancy. This lasted for around two weeks, and let me tell you this – It was sooooooo annoying. Like, I get it, if it was a miscarriage, it’s fine. I can deal with a miscarriage, and I will get over it. But the bleeding and the occasional cramps came and went away for two whole weeks, on and off and on and off. And I was just about to lose my mind.
The three potential outcomes.
The initial appointment (pre-Raya Haji) was inconclusive, but we had three potential outcomes:
- a normal pregnancy, but it was too early to see on the ultrasound,
- a miscarriage (which is fine by me), or
- an ectopic pregnancy (which is rare, between 1-2% of all pregnancies).
But after a series of blood work over the course of two weeks, option 1 seems to be out of the game as my HCG level did not rise as a normal pregnancy should. There was also no sac found in the uterus as well, which indicated the likelihood of an extrauterine pregnancy (pregnancy outside the uterus, or kandungan luar rahim). I would’ve been around 6-8 weeks pregnant during this time, so we would have been able to at least see a sac in the uterus if it was a normal pregnancy.
Note: for all you non-medical people, in a normal pregnancy, your HCG level is supposed to double every 48 hours or so in the first few weeks of pregnancy. Mine was consistently below 700 throughout the two-week period, going up and down every couple of days.
A non-viable pregnancy was inevitable.
At that point, I was already fine with us having to lose the pregnancy. And, to be honest, I had that feeling at the start of this fiasco that it was a non-viable pregnancy, so I was emotionally preparing myself for the eventual loss. However, I was not prepared for the mental toll it took to officially come up with the final diagnosis. I was half-waiting for the miscarriage to happen, for a blood clot or tissue to come out but nothing came. Instead, the bleeding continued as if it was a normal period – a steady, medium-to-heavy flow on and off. Coupled with the occasional abdominal cramps here and there, my mind was just a mess.
I was on medical leave for half the time, with my colleagues and managers scolding me for not resting well and still working through it all. But for me at that time, since there was no official diagnosis yet, work was the only thing that could take my mind off the worst-case scenario.
It felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it seemed like it was never going to happen. I went about my days as usual, but there was a nagging thought at the back of my mind that was just yelling at me, it’s going to happen soon.
I tell you – it was annoying.
Side note: Opting out of the methotrexate injection.
One option to treat a potential ectopic pregnancy is to have a methotrexate (MTX) injection. This would cause the cells to stop dividing, which essentially will stop the pregnancy from progressing any further. The course of action with an MTX injection is to monitor the betaHCG post-injection to ensure that it has worked properly (it should be going down), and the body will eventually just absorb the pregnancy.
The doctor brought up this option early on when it was more likely that it was an ectopic pregnancy. It would have been the easier option, but it was one that I was not particularly fond of. I was still breastfeeding Aina, and getting the MTX injection would mean that I would have to stop breastfeeding her cold turkey. While Aina was already turning two years old and could essentially be weaned off, I was not fond of the option of stopping without properly weaning her off.
This was a debate between my Dad, my doctor, and I. But eventually, my doctor accepted my decision not to proceed with the MTX injection and honoring my reasons (which I am highly grateful for!).
Looking back, of course, it would have been the easier and less painful method. But I cherish and value my breastfeeding journey with Aina and I want to make sure that we wean her off slowly.
First admission to the ward for observation.
On Wednesday, 26th June 2024, I came in to work as usual since we had a pretty big meeting that morning. My manager did question my attendance in the office as he was adamant about me resting at home (sorry boss!). Things were all OK until later that afternoon when the cramps became a little too much. I also did not drive to work that day (I carpooled with a colleague), so I ended up texting my husband to come and pick me up at work and bring me to the hospital.
The doctor did the usual blood work and TVS, but unfortunately, things were still inconclusive. So she decided to admit me to the ward for observation and just to make sure that everything was OK. I ended up spending three nights at the hospital, one of which I spent away from my little girl (for the first time!) when she slept over at her cousin’s place (thank you to my SIL for taking care of her!).
I was discharged on Saturday since there was no cause for concern, and I was supposed to be on MC for a week while still coming for follow-up appointments every couple of days. While I was happy to be able to go back home and rest, I still dread the ongoing checkups (which meant more blood work and TVS). It also meant never-ending thoughts creeping in my head.
Waking up at 3 am on D-Day.
A few days later, on Wednesday, 3rd July 2024, I woke up around 3 am with a sharp abdominal pain. At first, I thought it was just my daughter kicking me in her sleep (we co-sleep!), but after waking up and taking a quick toilet break, the pain was not going away. I woke my husband up, called my Dad in the middle of the night, and decided to head to the hospital straight away.
So at 3:30 am, my husband and I dropped our girl off at my brother’s place (thank you to my SIL for waking up early to take care of our girl), and went straight to the hospital. Throughout the drive, the pain came on and off but it was more than the usual cramps I was feeling for the past two weeks. More negative thoughts flew through my head as I tried to ignore the pain.
It took us a few hours to get checked and readmitted to the ward early that morning. When the doctor came to check, we decided to proceed with a diagnostic laparoscopy surgery, as it seemed even more likely that it would have been an ectopic pregnancy. And while it doesn’t seem like it has ruptured (I would have been in a lot more pain), it seems like the next step moving forward considering the 2.5 weeks of cramps and non-stop check-ups.
Removing the ectopic pregnancy via laparoscopy surgery.
I was wheeled into the operating theatre at around 11 am in the morning. It wasn’t my first time in surgery (I had an elective cesarean for my first daughter), but it was my first time under general anaesthesia. And, surprisingly, it went super quick. Like, the anesthesiologist told me to take deep breaths, they injected the medicines through the IV line in my hand, and within seconds I was out.
I woke up later in the post-op area around 2:30 pm with a pounding headache and a really sore and dry throat. But, Alhamdulillah, everything went well during the surgery, and they managed to locate and remove the ectopic pregnancy. And, along with the ectopic pregnancy, the doctor had to perform a salpingectomy to remove my right fallopian tube.
I stayed in the hospital for another couple of days to recover, and I was finally discharged on Saturday, 6th July (the day this post was started lol). The doctor gave me the 4 weeks of MC that I asked for so I could stay at home to rest and recover. My post-surgery follow-up a week later was also clear, so Alhamdulillah all is good at the moment.
Post-ectopic pregnancy: More than just physical recovery
I don’t have to nor do I want to write about the physical recovery. Because it’s a laparoscopy surgery, physical recovery was not that bad. I have three small little scars on my abdomen, and the pain goes away pretty quickly after. I can drive again after a while, and I can still carry my little girl around with no issue.
From the moment this started until now, I’ve had two sessions with my therapist to talk things through. While my therapist said I was doing pretty good at staying objective and being logical and stable through this whole ordeal, having an ectopic pregnancy still meant I had to lose the baby.
And that loss, that grief… I have to let myself feel it and go through the process.
And I think that was the reason I asked my doctor to allow me to take that 4 weeks of medical leave. It was more than just for me to stay at home and recover physically. But it was also to give me time and space to feel that pain, to process the feeling, and to let myself recover emotionally.
A loss is still a loss, no matter how early.
I don’t know how many times I’ve cried at night alone whenever I think about it. To most people, sure, I crack a lot of dark jokes and use humour as a mask. But it still hurts like hell. And I cope with it in my own ways – playing games, painting, reading endless manga and sleeping a lot.
I am, however, super grateful that my close friends understand how I feel and react to things like this. They know I don’t outwardly talk about this, yet they keep showing up in ways they know will be good for me. They checked in and texted me to make sure I was doing OK. I am also forever indebted to my sister-in-law for helping us with picking Aina up at school and making sure she is also getting as much of a normal phase as she can.
Moving forward…
Because they had to remove one of my fallopian tubes, this may make future pregnancies slightly harder. Add that to my PCOS and the fact that one of my tubes was partially or fully blocked (I still have to check which tube it was with PPUM!); things may be harder down the road. The risk of an ectopic pregnancy happening is also higher once you’ve had an ectopic pregnancy.
And so, we will cross that road when we get there. But for now, I’m going to focus on myself and my little family unit. Aina just turned two a week or so ago, and work has been a little busy. This recovery period has also allowed me to learn to rest, be bored, and take things slow a little. Knowing me and my tendency to overwork, this has forced me to take a step back, pause, and rest. And I’m super grateful to my managers and colleagues for allowing me the space to rest and recover.
This post has been long enough, and I have no idea how to end it properly, so I guess that’s it for now. Thanks for reading if you managed to read it this far. Please send your prayers, and let’s hope things get better in the future, insyaAllah. Until next time – stay awesome everyone 🙂
One last message to anyone going through an ectopic pregnancy.
If you are going through a similar journey – please remember that your grief and loss are valid. Please find people and surround yourself with your loved ones who can support you physically and emotionally. Learn to lean on your loved ones, and also learn to slow down and rest when you can. You can recover physically quite easily, but emotionally, it may take a while.
If your loved ones are going through this, please be there for them. Please show up, show your support, and fill in the emotional gap that she may be feeling. Give her the space and time to feel the loss and grief and validate her feelings. Because the loss is real, the grief is real. Don’t do or say anything to invalidate her feelings. Just, please – show up and be present. Show up and show that you care. That’s all she could have asked for. And that’s all she needs from you.
Additional last note: A massive thank you to Dr. Sharon at KPJ Damansara 2 for her help and care throughout this journey.